Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Dumber than Dirt

I have been running around in circles trying to get everything done. I know you have days like that,too. Lately it seems like I have decades like that. I didn't post last week, because I was working at the election (sorry) and today is almost over. I haven't had a single minute to write anything post worthy. So I decided to post a segment from (drumroll please) Dumber than Dirt. This is Part one. Come back next week for Part Two.

Dumber than Dirt
A Preposterous Parable For Pigs and People
By Linda Garner

(You will find many p’s in this phable, and no f’s. Instead of f’s you will phind ph.) Have phun!

There was trouble in Pigville. Big, big, pig trouble in Pigville. You see, the pear crop was dying out. Pears were the phavorite phood of every single pig who lived in Pigville. Of course, they were not in danger of starving. They wouldn’t go hungry, because there were lots of other phine pig delicacies growing in Pigville. There were peas, potatoes, parsnips, petunias, and parsley in abundance. Pigs enjoyed all of these phine swine phood. But you see, the pigs who lived in Pigville were particularly phond of pears. In phact, they loved pears. They craved pears. Unphortunately, a pear blight had destroyed most of the crop.

“Whatever shall we do?” asked Percival at the Pigville town meeting. “I call for solutions.”

“I’ve an idea,” said Parley P. Pigg. “Perhaps we could move to Piggadelphia where we can buy pears at the Piggley Wiggley.”

(If you happened to have guessed that Parley P. Pigg was the little piggy who went to market, you just might be correct.)

“I hate to think of moving to the city,” said Priscilla Pigg, Parley’s wife. “It will not be good for the children. A pharm is still the best place to raise piglets. We don’t want them to turn into hams, after all.”

Could it be that Priscilla was the little piggy who stayed home?)

Prudence Pigg was next to speak. Being a very practical pig, she suggested moving to Hawgtown where pears were plentiful, but Pompous Pigg politely protested. Pompous Pigg, you see, was very particular and some might say prideful. He felt that Hawgtown was not very prestigious. There was much discussion and eventually, you might say the idea of moving to Hawgtown phell phlat on its phace.

The Pigfolk were pheeling a little down about things, when it was decided to send the three little pigs, (yes, the very ones you’ve heard of), oph on an adventure to phind a new place to live. So that is how Peter, Polly, and Parry Pigg happened to go off to seek their phortune. There is another story you may have heard about these pigs, but this is the true story.

Aphter the three little pigs had wandered about in the woods of Piggsylvania for about 40 days they found a wonderful spot to build a new town. It was a Pig’s Pearadise, for there were many wonderful varieties of pears growing hogwild. It wasn’t far from Swine Lake, and it was half way to Hog Heaven. There were plenty of materials to build houses of straw, sticks, or brick, and room to grow every kind of pvegetable imaginable (see glossary on page 5). It was absolutely perphect in every way, except one. The nearby phorest was inhabited with spiders. Now these particular pigs were not particularly phond of spiders.

Do you like spiders? Would you like them better if they were jumping spiders? That’s right, these were jumping spiders, and these jumping spiders liked nothing better than to jump on pigs, and tickle them with their spider feet. Now wherever the jumping spiders tickled you, you would immediately grow an ugly wart. Not only were the warts ugly, but they were itchy. What were the pigs to do? Should they move to this Pigg Pearadise complete with jumping spiders? Or, should they stay put in Piggville with no possible hope of pears?

To be continued...next week.

Linda Garner


Dawn said...

Phun! Looking phorward to the next installment :-)

ali said...

Haha! That was awesome!

L.T. Elliot said...

I love this story!