Need a Spring Tune-Up?

Do you need a spring tune-up? Have you been putting it off?

I have been putting off some routine stuff. Health stuff. Dental exam. Mammogram. Colonoscopy. You know the stuff. Nobody likes it. Most of us put it off, but hey, I like my life and I like my body. I decided it was time to do myself a favor. It took me a whole afternoon, but I scheduled all those routine check-ups. Time for a spring tune-up.

Monday, the fun began with getting my eyes dilated. I’ve been good about this because of my diabetes. Still it counts. No bad news. Well, no real bad news. I do have the beginning signs of cataract, but the doc assured me that it’s perfectly normal at my age. At my age? What’s that supposed to mean. Is that supposed to be a complement?

Tuesday, I got to visit my brand new dentist to get prepped for a crown. Now I haven’t always hated dentists. I used to be the poster child for great teeth. That was before the diabetes. After the diabetes the word dentist has never been said with a smile on my face.

My last dental experience was so unpleasant that I haven’t been back for about two years. It’s a long story, so I’ll spare you the gory details. Let’s just say I couldn’t make myself go back to sausage fingers. Shouldn’t there be a requirement for a dentist to have smallish fingers? Just saying.

Well my new dentist does have smaller fingers, and he’s perfectly nice, but there’s just something awful about losing control of your own mouth. The poking, the pushing, the prying, the poking. Need I say more. Oh and it’s a little freaky looking at someone’s nose hairs close up and upside down.

Question 1: Why does the dentist ask you questions while he has your mouth artificially propped open and his fingers are occupying most of the space in your mouth? Does that make sense to you?

Question 2: Why do they ask you if you’re okay, when you’re obviously not okay? Why do they ask you to tell them what’s wrong, when your mouth doesn’t even work, and you don’t want to talk anyway because you’re trying not to have a meltdown?

To my credit, when the dentist told me I could come back in two weeks to get my real crown, I managed a weak but heartfelt “Yippee.”

The good news is I survived, and the better news is that today I get to go for a mammogram. What a week. I’ll bet you’re excited for me. This is my second mammogram, so I know what I’m getting into. I’ve been diligent about getting a mammogram regularly. Every 15 or 20 years, without fail. I hope that’s not too often.

After today, I’ll be one up on my mom for mammograms. She only had one. Her comment after the first: “If you didn’t have cancer going in, you will going out.”

Besides the mammogram, I also get a bone desity scan. Mom had osteoporosis. I wish there had been bone scans then. They say it's a piece of cake, but then I'm diabetic, so cake is forbidden. Besides that's what they always say.

I love my body, and I am happy to do these things for her. She's always been there for me. It’s the least I can do. Can’t wait for the colonoscopy! Can I get an amen, I mean yippee.

And now to get my writing tuned-up.

Need a spring tune-up? What are you waiting for?

Linda Garner