We were traveling across the country, and I was small town girl. I had rarely been out of Idaho. On this trip, I saw new and different things every day. At the gas station, I saw a large blue barrel with a spigot in the top. Eureka, I thought. Water. I ran to the car for a cup and filled it. I couldn’t wait to quench my thirst.
What a disaster. One
taste and I spit for all I was worth. Yuck!
It was awful, and it wasn’t water. I spit it out as fast as I could, and dumped
the rest on the pavement. I found water
inside the little station and drank my fill.
I couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth. To make matters worse, I burped it all day.
I never knew what that nasty liquid was, and I didn’t tell
anyone. At first I was embarrassed. Then I was worried. What if it was poison? Was I going to die?
I lived with those scary thoughts for hours and then
days. Instead of being relieved when I
didn’t die right away, I wondered if it was a slow acting poison. Would it be a painful death? Was there an antidote? If I told, could my family get help for me,
or was it already too late?
No, I couldn’t tell.
I might get in trouble. They
wouldn’t understand why I had drunk from the barrel. They wouldn’t understand why I hadn’t told
right away. Would they be angry? I was more afraid of telling than I was of dying.
That was nearly 50 years ago. I look
back on that experience with soberness.
I could have died. I am
astonished that I didn’t ask for help from the people who loved me most and
would have been devastated at my death.
Though it seems ridiculous from this perspective, I remember with
clarity the fear I felt about telling.
When a child is sexually abused, they are confused and
frightened. Telling is the only way to
get help. Telling is the surest way to
stop the abuse, yet most children are afraid to tell. They wonder who to trust. They wonder who will believe them. Sometimes they are more afraid of telling
than they are of the abuse.
To us, this is hard to understand. We want to help. We cannot help if we do not know. Understanding the fear of telling can teach
us how to help our kids.
1.
Be a safe
person for your child to talk to. Build
a strong relationship. Spend time with
your child talking things over. Be a
good listener. Don’t over react when
your child tells you things that are sensitive.
Let your child know that you are willing to talk about anything. If your child feels that some subjects are taboo,
you will be the last person they will tell if they experience abuse.
2.
Teach your child that no one has the right to
touch them in uncomfortable ways. Teach
with clarity so that they understand which parts of their body are
private. Have frank discussions with
your teenagers. Teenagers need someone
to talk to about sexuality. You do not
want to leave this to chance. Teach
teenagers to respect their bodies and to stand up for themselves if they are
being manipulated , bullied, or abused.
Teach children and teenagers to recognize situations where they need
help. Teach them to tell.
3.
Let your child see what healthy relationships
look like. It’s okay for them to see
parents hug, kiss, and hold hands. Show
your children that you respect each other.
Show respect for your own body.
Respect your child. Value his/her
opinions, ideas, and feelings.
4.
Model problem solving and negotiation. Create opportunities for your children to
voice opinions and share decision making.
Give children responsibility and ownership in family work and family
values. Give them lots of practice in
problem solving and making choices.
5.
Consider role playing. You can make up situations which will give
your child a chance to problem solve in a safe setting. A child who can think things through and come
up with solutions is less likely to cave under pressure. Problem solving skills empower children to
take control of their own decisions, their own bodies, their own lives.
Linda Garner
1 comment:
Great reeading your blog post
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