I was quick to clean up the mess. I vacuumed.
I scrubbed. I tossed. It felt good to get rid of that dirty little
secret. I didn’t find what I was looking
for, but I was glad that I had pulled out the drawer and discovered something
that needed my attention.
Hidden in some of our homes are disgusting little secrets,
but not behind drawers. Right under our unsuspecting
noses children are hurting. Often they
do not know how to talk about what is happening to them. They may not have the words. They may doubt their feelings. No one has told them what to do and they have
no experience to lean on.
When a child is sexually abused, their innocence is violated
as well as their privacy and their personal space. The abuser is often a family member or close
family friend, someone the child knows and trusts. Imagine the dilemma for a
child who has been taught to respect authority and be obedient, when a trusted
person asks him/her to do something that doesn’t feel right. Most children do not have tools to deal with
this awful situation.
The child may feel guilty.
Abusers feed that guilt by saying, “you will get in trouble if you
tell.” The child may feel confused and
frightened. Where can children turn for
help?
- Give
kids lots of experience in making choices.
Help them learn to trust their feelings. A child who is always told what to do
may not know how to stand up for him/her self in a difficult situation.
- Empower
kids. Talk things over with them.
Help them learn to problem solve and negotiate. Give them
responsibilities. Kids with
confidence and skills may be less likely to allow themselves to be
victimized.
- Be a
safe person for your child to talk to.
Do you over react? Can they
tell you anything? If you sweat the
small stuff, they may not feel comfortable
telling you about abuse, because abuse is not small stuff. Does your
child feel that you are on the same team?
- Model
modesty. Let your kids see by
example how to show respect for their bodies. Close doors when dressing and using the
bathroom. This sends a clear
message about what is appropriate and gives children guidelines that they
can use when confronted with behavior that is inappropriate.
- Talk
to your kids about sexual abuse.
Teach them that they are in charge of their own bodies and no one
has the right to touch them inappropriately. Teach them that their bodies are
sacred. Teach them to say no to
anyone who violates their trust, and always to tell.
Be a good listener. Give your child lots of opportunities to talk to you and always believe him/her. Make certain your child knows that you are there for him/her.
Notice when something doesn’t feel right. I didn’t expect to find a dirty little secret
behind my vanity drawer, but cleaning it up was the right thing to do. If you find a dirty little secret, don’t cover
it up. Don’t close the drawer without
cleaning up the mess. Have courage and
take appropriate steps to protect and support your child. Remember, abuse is never the child’s fault. Never.
Linda Garner
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