I hope you had a great Fourth of July. We enjoyed hiking in Bryce Canyon. I love celebrating my country's birthday. I love the USA and I'm glad this is my home. If you're looking for part 2 of Dumber than Dirt, read on. If you missed part 1, you might be a little confused. Scroll down to last week's post. It's a short trip.
Dumber than Dirt continues
Did I phorget to mention one tiny detail? There was, phortunately, an antidote for the spider warts. It was a tasty variety of piggweed, and it was plentiful in the Phorest of the spiders. All one had to do when tickled by jumping spiders was to eat a handphul of the pigweed and the spider warts would disappear completely. Now, what do you think? Is it worth the risk? Pears? Warts? Pears? Warts?....Pigweed?
Piggweed. Now it happens that the pigweed was not unpleasant. In phact it was phairly tasty. Even desirable. So, when the Piggcouncil met with the three little pigs, and put the plan to a piggie vote, it was unanimous. The people, (Oops. I meants pigs) of Pigville were on the prowl (I mean move). They picked up their possessions and paraded oph toward their new home near Swine Lake. They were positively tickled pink, if you’ll excuse the pun, or about to be.
When the pigs arrived in Piggsburg, their new home, they had a picnic in the park. Phor the phirst time in ages they pheasted on pears. There were Persian pears and paisley pears. There were prickly pears and purple pears. There were pretty pears and pinkish pears. There were pears of every description.
Soon the pigs began building their homes and planting their gardens. They planted potatoes, parsley, petunias, peas, and even pickles, iph you can imagine. They were careful to avoid the spider Phorest, but it wasn’t long before the spiders got curious and began leaving the phorest and phollowing the pigs around Piggsburg. By late aphternoon the first spider warts had appeared.
The first pigs to be tickled ran immediately for the pigweed and were soon cured. Aphter a time, though, pigs began to take their time before gobbling up the pigweed. Some even said, “Does it really work?” Others said, “I don’t really have time to go gather the pigweed right now. Maybe tomorrow.” And still others said, “I’ve never acquired a taste for pigweed.” And so it happened that while some pigs were very clever about the pigweed and knew exactly where it grew and had plenty on hand, others found it easier to just put up with the ugly, itchy warts.
Some of the pigs stayed pretty and smooth, thanks to the pigweed, but others were soon covered with warts. These wart-covered pigs eventually became known as wart hogs. The wart hogs were not very popular with the pretty pigs, as you can imagine, but they didn’t seem to know what to do. That was when Pork E. Pigg saw his chance. Being a particularly enterprising pig, he decided to go into the phast phood business.
Pork E. opened a place called Piggweed Palace. You could get pigweed any time of day, prepared any way you like. Piggweed salads were all the rage, although pigweed steamed and buttered was also popular. Piggweed pizza became popular with teenagers. The little piglets preferred pigweed frosties and shakes. Leave it to Pork E. Pigg. He phound a way to please every pig palate.
There wasn’t much competition, as the only other phast phood place in town was owned by Pandora Pigg. Pandora called her place “Pandora’s Box” but it wasn’t much. In fact she never opened it. She said she had a bad feeling that it might be more trouble than it was worth. It was probably just as well as it seems that most pigs prepher to eat out of the box.
The Piggweed Palace was such a huge success that everyone was puzzled when Pork E. sold his Palace to Prosperous Pigg and took his wife and piglets off to Hollywood. Imagine their surprise when Pork E. and Petunia became big stars, or would that be pig stars? Pork E. brought many a movie to a successful conclusion. In phact he often had the last words. I guess you could even say that he had the last lauph.
Despite the convenience of Prosperous Pigg’s Piggweed Palace, the wart hogs simply did not partake of the pigweed. They did, however, spend a small phortune trying to save their bacon, or in other words, trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Some of them spent every penny in their piggee banks at the Piggee Parlor and not just to get a perm in their pigtails. They would try anything to get rid of the warts. That is, anything except piggweed.
In the Piggee Parlor cellophane wraps were sometimes tried in the hopes of removing the warts. The participating pig was wrapped in cellophane and lightly toasted in a tanning bed. This popular technique was called “Pigs In A Blanket”. It rarely worked. One poor pig was left in the oven too long and he cried, “Wee, wee, wee” all the way home. Another pig tried a peculiar smelling potion, called hogwash, which she purchased at the Piggee Parlor. She used a lot of it on her wart-covered toes. She unphortunately ended up with pickled pig’s feet, and she was still covered with warts. She even had them on her pig knuckles. One pig tried pills. She popped so many pills, she almost porked out, but still the warts persisted.
About this time a no-good pig by the name of Predictable came up with a plan. He began circulating a petition to get the warthogs moved into a place of their own. He wanted to relocate all the offensive warthogs into pigpens. He wanted segregation on the ballot. Now, I’m sure that you will get the picture if I tell you that Predictable was a contractor by trade, and that he owned a patent on pigpens. Yes, he stood to make a small phortune on pigpens if he could influence pig politics and sell the pigpublic on the idea of pigpens for the warthogs.
Had prejudice found a home in Piggsylvania?
Be sure to come back next week for part 3 of Dumber than Dirt.